Sunday, 25 March 2012

*Please read this - Hitting the nail on the head


I knew something was going wrong and I have written many a blog post trying to dechipher exactly what that was but I never really hit the nail on the head I just messed about with the hammer.

TODAY IM GOING TO HIT THAT NAIL SO HARD IT WILL NEVER HAVE TO BE HIT AGAIN.

Its time for me to be honest, with myself and with whoever reads this blog. This post will go as far as blatant honesty can possibly go.

Do not read this as the views of someone who is
1.Depressed,
2.who hates, does not believe, has little confidence/faith in themselves,
3. does not enjoy doing game art. 

Its not that, its just the truth. The truth I have realised just in time.

The fact is I expected uni to be hardcore, I expected lecturers to be mean and nasty and not care less, I expected to stay up all night doing coursework. It wasnt like that, not like I imagined.

I did at first struggle but I got to a point after the first month when I overcame my first struggles and thought for the first time "YES, I CAN DO THIS, I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING.

Things were going well, I wasnt failing which was a feat in itself and at christmas I had improved and I thought things were going really well, better than I had ever imagined, I was told to play video games at christmas, told by lectureres to play video games. Thats when it happened.

I got complacent,big headed and complacent, thats right I'll admit to it, a student will admit that they got complacent. Ill put it in bold so the whole world can see.

VICTORIA CICHOCKI GOT COMPLACENT,

The thing is I was talking to a third year about my grades at the beginning and he said I would get complacent, and I said to him that would never happen I would keep working hard. He was right.

One thing I have learned whilst being at university is that I am not always right.

The thing is I didnt even know it was happening, I knew something had gone from inside me, something that was there at the beginning and not there now. At first I thought it was confidence but it was passion. The passion you need to try hard. Its like a burning flame that nags away at you to make you do better. subconciously I must have thought I dont need it anymore to do well. I was wrong.
Without passion I am nothing.

Because I thought I didnt need it anymore I let my passion die down, and with it went my confidence and with that my ability to do well, small things became a struggle so I had to work even harder to do those things at a less than mediocre level and I became worn out and my smile dissapeared.

Honestly The work I have done in recent months I am ashamed of. I did better at level 3 and that is appalling. I got to the point where the simple stuff was such a struggle by hand in date I didnt care.

There was a time I would have said "here are my mistakes, I am only human" but those mistakes led somewhere.  There is a difference between making a mistake because you are learning and producing rubbish because you havent got the passion to produce better because you got complacent.

Its nobodys fault but my own.

If its any consoleation I have now realised this and that little flame has started to return, that I am glad of. I need to make it back into to the raging inferno it once was, that is if im ever going to do this.
I know some may say " I wish I could do it all again"  NO, I learnt some important life lessons this year, needed to happen, start over?, knowing what I now now, yes, from scratch No thanks.

I have a few issues and things I dont understand ,Visual design thats where it got bad bad, I was told to get faster I did, Im told I am doing the right thing, how so when the outcome is rubbish. Thats the problem.

The outcome was rubbish, I should have got faster slowly instead of right now, and progressed slowly, that way my work wouldnt have lost quality. No one saw between the reef project and masters. Which Im told were good.

Im not saying I didnt put work in, I put alot in but the circumstances being how they were, i didnt get alot out of it. 

All I am asking is a chance, a chance to redeem myself. To show you guys yes I got big headed and complacent, yes my work lost quality but I want to prove I can do it now. So I will be redoing final peices, just to prove that yes I can and No im not rubbish.

This is a polite request to please tell me. If its crap, awful tell me if its good great tell me, but please if you see it going down hill please dont let me carry on, on the same downwards spiral or the same level of mediocrity i was 6 months ago. I have a problem of not being able to see whats in front of me sometimes.

I am told im still doing the right things... learning the design process, It would be so easy just revert from that and go back to spending hours and hours on a final peice. Produce fantastic work and get fantastic grades grades. 

But I was told not too. and that confuses me to the point where I dont know what to do. I still have faith though so Im going to keep doing as I am told.

GUESS WHAT? one thing hasnt changed, still dont get this uni stuff.


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