Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Pride comes before a fall

I had a revelation today that has taken over most of my thoughts. That revelation was “ I am doing this for the wrong reasons”.
I did not set out with that frame of mind, I felt I had matured emotionally and felt I was on the right path to become something good but somewhere between the assessment and now I have lost my way.

More importantly I have lost sight of what is important.

At the beginning it was about me and how I could make myself better FOR MYSELF. I feel I am slowly being pulled into something that I do not like. A dog eat dog attitude. Which leads to hatred and all those other nasty emotions we don't like to admit that we feel but we all feel them.

I understand the need to be competitive, to stand out from others who have the same goal as you. Where art is concerned there is always going to be that sense of competitiveness, it is inevitable. Sometimes things can get out of hand. This time I will pull myself out of this mess before it consumes me.
The only thing I can describe being too competitive as, is having a monster living inside of you.

I will not unleash the monster , just doing something to show off or to try and do more than anyone else or to try to beat others is not the way to go, it is consuming and soul destroying. We are meant to be a team. That is how I would like to think of it.

The temptation is always there to push yourself a little bit harder but for what reasons?

Recently I have been thinking of my blog as more of a source of entertainment than a reflection of how I am growing as an artist or as an individual mainly because I was scared of failure. Truth- This course does not stress me out... I stress myself out because of the above. I felt like I had to live up to something or people would stop being proud of me or thinking I was interesting.

My grades and my self esteem have been as one. So I was trying my hardest to make my self feel good. It did not work though I did not feel any better or any less inadequate.
It has been about the moment and “what I can do, look what cool stuff I can do”...It should be about the progression and “look at what I am learning that will lead to becoming a little bit better gradually over time” . which was what it was before I lost sight of it.

There is no quick fix for growing as a individual or as an artist or as anything at all. That's always been said. I knew it would take time.
Really Understanding that and I mean really understanding that, not just writing it down and hoping someone notices will take a little bit longer, perhaps a lot longer, more than a single revelation in a single day or a single blog post. Its a lot more than just knowing you have to put hard graft in for 12 weeks. Or 12hrs or 2 minutes even. I have continued to work hard but I have become blinded by pride. Well they do say pride comes before a fall. And it did. I have fallen smack on my face and I am glad as it has woken me up from this daydream.

Lets see how things change back here on earth?
....Where's that path again....the right one “oh its just there, been walking in the dirt for a while”

EDIT:  I just read "So you want to be a better artist". interesting, working smarter not harder sounds like a plan,

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