Sunday, 15 January 2012

Games review - hack to the future

Hack to the future

One of the beauty's of being a grown up, Is reliving moments from your childhood , especially when there's a present under the Christmas tree that looks and feels like a video game and it has your name on it. My son insists that I am “very naughty” but does not mind playing it with me after all.

I find myself in a knights school in what appears to be a studio Ghibli film, being taught how to lift pots up, I through them at the cook who insists I will be expelled if I carry on. I run up the stairs until my stamina gauge runs out this leaves me immobilised for a whole 7 seconds, “

“I can see this is going to cause problems later on Ty” I say

I can put up with a game that looks like a studio Ghibli film as long as it has all of the other qualities I see as good. Simple things like being able to run across an entire level without becoming exhausted.

“ he's been smoking since the last game in the series and that's why he's so unfit” laughs Tyler the developers probably have been too, but what I don't know because this game has been rushed and its obvious by its visuals.

“look at those muddy textures,” I say, I shake my head, never used to let that bother me...

The character starts to move forward without me doing anything, I take the nun-chuck out and put it back in again. Hindering game play.

“Uughhh, the stupid nun-chucks freezing time” Tyler says.

I run up a set of stairs, I get knackered ...again.....and am unable to move for 7 seconds leaving me vulnerable to enemy's .

He moans about how this character is too much like a real person to be cool.

“How real could games get mummy?

The curiosity is killing him, we discuss why the game sucks some more, Ty insists its a curse from Santa for opening my Christmas presents early.

 I joke that we should build a time machine and go into the future too see how real games could get, when it is ready I tell my now ten year old son that I will meet him in this exact spot in the year 2030 the year it is predicted that computers will be as superior as the human brain.

We have arranged for him to have the latest games console ready to show me when I arrive, He nearly wets himself with excitement and proceeds to give me his own ideas of the future such as jet packs, hover cars hovering wheelchairs, dogs that can walk through walls, freeze rays and automatic walking sticks,.... robot servants and all those future clich├ęs.

We drop the subject of time travelling for a while and continue to play Skyward sword. We are on an island in the sky I pick up an item we got earlier and went straight to the item screen again..... this stopped game play for 20 seconds, and happens every time we pick up an item.
The character starts to walk on its own because I held the analogue stick during this.

Ty starts to spasm in frustration at this, it is getting rather boring now......

My mind wanders from the game , I get in the time machine set the destination year to 2030. The time machine makes noises that would make the sound effects guy from doctor who jealous. I arrive, I get out of the time machine to see my now 30 year old son who towers over me standing there waiting to show me the new console of the future.....

I come back down to earth. I find myself riding a bird through the sky and shaking the controller with my right hand so vigorously that it looks like I'm imitating a sexual act. I giggle to myself, If anyone was able to see in my living room window I would be getting some serious dirty looks.

I look around the future front room looking for the T.V, it is not there. “ oh we just put these on now, mum” he says handing me what looks like a space helmet and a pair of gloves. I reluctantly place the “helmet” over my head and out the gloves on. I feel him push my head. “just switching it on” he says reassuringly.

I land the bird and walk too near the edge and fall off, a small scene where a fellow knight on a bird rescues me and tells me off for walking to close to the edge..... it lasts about 30 seconds....and is repeated every time I fall off, perhaps I should stop daydreaming....

I see a list of options in front of me. He tells me that I move my finger and press thin air to load the game I want. I select the latest zombie fighter from the list and suddenly the list disappears and I gasp I find myself in an actual creepy mansion or what appears to be one. I hear a muffled “graphics are good aren't they” “eh yeah I answer”

Will you stop falling off the edge its annoying” says Ty

er, sorry” I say, I was in my own world.

you were daydreaming about that time machine again weren't you?” he questioned.

Its not me, its this motion plus it makes the controllers go dodgy all of the time”

I take the Nun chuck out and put it in again. Another 15 seconds to wait....

pretend your fingers are a gun and fire” says Ty. I reluctantly walk around for a bit in this place. There are dead bodies on the floor that look so real it makes me feel ill. I feel more fear than enjoyment. My heart is racing, An zombie jumps out....

I'm playing a song on a harp by swinging the controller in time to the music it takes a long time to get the hang of it, I yawn it makes me feel quite sleepy....

I flick my fingers upwards to fire bullets, its a head shot bits of brain fly everywhere. This is too sick to be fun. The now headless zombie lies dead on the floor.... More of them come from nowhere....

I'm fighting a giant statue boss now.... it takes 2 minutes, I didn't even have to use a potion, maybe this is too make up for the drag in game play earlier......
“Do you think I'm either getting better or there getting easier” I ask my son.

“no, that was well easy......” he says....

“ It was too easy it was boring” I add..... another long cut scene occurs.... It seems to never end...

The zombies start to crowd round me now, there is no where to run. More and more of them come out of the shadows, it looks too real, I scream....


I snap back into reality, the boss has been resurrected and has hit me taking away the last of my hearts.


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